On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
