Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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