So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
