If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
