Little spoons don't ask big questions
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
