Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
