He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
