i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
