I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
