either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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