Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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