he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize