Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
