just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
