if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
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I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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