Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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