Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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