the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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