Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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