I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Let's get the cat blown out
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
