I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
