I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
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