remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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