There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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