she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
