Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
