So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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