Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
he shaved USA in his pubs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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