I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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