I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
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You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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