I want to have your abortion
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
