I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
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Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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