whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
