A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
