Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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