He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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