I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
