if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
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