I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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