i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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