She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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