I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
