i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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