my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
