she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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