Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
