I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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