not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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