First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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