Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
