a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
