i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
