I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
