2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
