I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
