hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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