The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
